Well, after just a mere 2 months back in the employment saddle, I was thrown off. Being laid off once sucked. Being laid off again, in such short order, makes me feel so weary and battle-worn. I know it's not personal, being laid off. It's business, and apparently business is a bit bust right now.
What's so especially difficult is that we'd begun to plan things, to save, to work towards our goals. When I was laid off for nearly a year, that kind of stuff, "future stuff" was put on the back burner. It was entirely about how to budget, to scrape by, to handle the next month or two, and anything beyond the ends of our noses was just too much to consider. Having a job again took a lot of pressure off of us, especially Brendan, which made me feel like the kind of partner I want to be for him. I was able to relax into myself again, and able to feel like a real and productive person, a contributing member of my two-person team, instead of feeling like a total looser.
I am dreading my engagement party in a few weeks now. People will ask how I'm doing, ask about plans, ideas, my life...what will I say? That I'm so stressed out by everything anymore that I barely sleep most nights? That my jaw clicks because I clench it constantly? That I feel powerless in my own life? That I'm afraid of the future or rather, afraid I don't have one?
No, of course not. I will probably be ok by then. I will probably have gotten past some of this and feel able to manage the rest.
I'm probably just feeling sorry for myself. It's not the worst thing in the world. It just really fucking sucks right now.
Excuse me. I'm going to go wallow with my dog now. Her fuzzy belly will heal my broken pride.